The love that doesn't exist (My love experience pt.1)

I really needed a reason to smile but you never gave me one, and anytime I think about everything that have transpired between us, it always have a doting effect on my mind.
It hasn't really been what I foresaw or dreamt about, I love to fantasize alot........ And this whole thing has brought me out of my wonderland into reality.
When I first met you, I was mesmerized by your personality, and what could a helpless guy like me do, rather than fall head over heels for you,
Your smile,
Your laughs,
Your sense of humor,
And troubles are all what I needed to brighten my day.
Many atimes, I've heard of love at first sight (though I didn't believed it) but you played a very fast one on me.
I thought I could give it a trial,  after series of heartbreak and breakups that I've experienced, but you choose to play my sincerity,  and I became a fool and slave to my feelings.
Yeah, my feelings always betrays me, I have no control over it and it seems it has become my foe.
I have alot of questions to ask you.
Was it truly love?
Was I obssesed about you?
Did you find me attractive?
Did I misplace my priorities with you?
Just another guy disturbing your peace?
Everytime I had a thought about my "past" with you, these questions keeps bulging my mind.
Don't be surprised I considered you as my past because it all ended before we started.
The little time I've spent without you  has really got me wearing my thinking cap and getting things straight with myself.
I have become an object of mockery in the midst of my friends and truly, I've lost focus on who I am in desperate search of your love.
Did you even take note of all the sacrifices I've made and see the sincerity in the love I had for you, I thought I could give love another trial but it seems the odds are against me.
"I ain't truly built for this romance game".
My mom once told me that my problem was trusting easily and putting my all in everything I wish, now I know how true those words were and it's role in my life.
What if I truly loved you?
What if staying around you gives me joy?
But you decided to use another as a  yardstick and I was disqualified.
What if I'm scared of being hurt?
I have really been happy, thinking of a possibility of us being together forever, but I was just blind to see that the feelings was one-sided.
I decided to keep the happy moments, "oh,  how I wish I can escape this reality for a second"
How can I describe this feeling?
I hate to admit my feelings and "NO"
I hate to have this feelings, for yet again I  have failed to explore the love world....
I hope one day someone will love me for being me.

Vincent Ji

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